


Do I wanna die tonight (Should I consider making it out alive?) [Cancelled]

by It_is_Rene_Now



Series: Purposeful Accidents hurt more people than the inflictor. [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: 38 chapters planned baby, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Ending, Blood and Injury, Break Up, Clay | Dream Angst (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream-centric (Video Blogging RPF), Comatose Clay | Dream, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fear of Death, Gen, Hurt GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Hurt Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Major Character Injury, Multi, POV Alternating, POV Multiple, Permanent Injury, Reconciliation, SORRY MY FRIENDS THEY FUCKED UP, Sad Darryl Noveschosch, Sad GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Sad Niki | Nihachu, Sad Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Sad Toby Smith | Tubbo, Sad TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Social Media, THIS HURTS TO MAKE, ignorance is bliss, potential Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29219871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/It_is_Rene_Now/pseuds/It_is_Rene_Now
Summary: Dream isn't sure if he's meant to be here. Seeing this, watching as his friends break down over his comatose state.He should not have a choice whether he lives or dies, the universe would feel less heavy if it didn't weigh on him.But then again, he is Dream, and the universe refuses to show mercy yet.Dream gets into a Coma, these are the reaction of 15 + more precious people he tucked into his heart, touched by his endless energy for his passion towards the people he cares about and their reactions to Dream's untimely circumstance.Ignoring the idea, the taunting idea of Dream leaving them forever. The Possibility6K+ HITS POGCHAMP THANK YOU ALL FOR THE LOVE AND SUPPORT
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity & Clay | Dream, Cara | CaptainPuffy & Clay | Dream, Clay | Dream & Darryl Noveschosch, Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Grayson | Purpled (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & ItsAlyssa, Clay | Dream & Karl Jacobs, Clay | Dream & Luke | Punz, Clay | Dream & Niki | Nihachu, Clay | Dream & Sam | Awesamdude, Clay | Dream & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Clay | Dream & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Wilbur Soot, Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF) & Everyone, Minor Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound/Sapnap
Series: Purposeful Accidents hurt more people than the inflictor. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2146167
Comments: 109
Kudos: 604





	1. Self-Infliction.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Everyone! This will end up being a long term project I have planned 38 chapters for. So appreciate me. I'll be updating this 2 times a week most likely, as I have Febuwhump prompts to work on, Dsmp Valentines week, and 'Opari' my oneshot book, alongside my Ghost!Dream book and School :)
> 
> Please read all the tags carefully before reading any books of mine, because In most cases like here there will be sensitive topics touched on.
> 
> * * *
> 
> **Warnings**
> 
> Suicide, Self-harm, Self-hatred, Suicide Baiting, Nasty Nasty people on the internet, Break ups, Anxiety Attacks, Disassociation, Derealization, Out of body experiences, Breakdowns. 
> 
> And much more, so please be careful and take care of yourself when reading this, much love, your Author <3
> 
> * * *
> 
> !!!! I ACCIDENTALLY FUCKED UP A PLOT POINT AT THE END, SO THE MESSAGE DOESN'T GO THROUGH TO EVERYONE, SORRY FOR THE MISUNDERSTANDINGS !!!!

Sometimes existing is like drowning.

Like there’s something tugging at your body, swallowing you down into its depths and there is no feasible escape.

For Dream, it’s going on every day, to his media, seeing his fans and friends, the love he gives, receives and is shared with the world and the people in it he loves so much-

-but then he sees every comment telling him that what he is isn’t enough, that he will never be enough because he is a fake and a fraud in a desperate passion he lived, loved, and laughed for, what he sacrificed for what he does was not enough.

He knows, logically they are wrong, and the good in his life should outweigh the bad.

But then cruel words that spill secrets unwanted to be heard by the public ear — twisting scenarios he so desperately wants to forget — words that tie like a noose around his suffocating neck as he is strung dry and problems bare and hung out for the whole world to see, theorize and analyze.

Knowing this would happen, he thought he would be prepared, with his family and friends by his side, he would be okay…

But first, his Mother withdrew, his disobedience driving her away, disappointment and question in failure of parenting made him lose that trust with her.

And then after was his Girlfriend, who at first was kind and supportive, but started developing habits of trashing him, coiling his friends and family around her fingers so easily, and he felt so alone.

Because truly he was now, wasn’t he?

He drove away everyone he loved and cared about with his problems when he allowed himself to break down because he was Dream and he was strong and a kind and caring pillar — but sometimes it sucks as much as it feels good to be relied on and amazed by how much love he can bring to everyone.

Because he has to be strong, because it is who he built himself as.

But watching Sapnap leave, he does not feel so strong.

* * *

It had been a week since Sapnap left, scared and angry at Dream, for loving what he shouldn’t have, and needing something he could never give.

Because here in the silence of his room, the dark covers he can’t bring himself to step out of on wobbly stupidly _weak_ legs, like a newborn fawn learning how to truly _live_.

He feels hungry, but the emptiness in his stomach is a minor comfort, something to pave away the itching and old light scars that mar his wrists, a reason he needed to _be_ better before he can even think about being loved or loving,

But being here alone? He has no chance of healing.

_”This isn’t going to work, **we** cannot work with George until you fix your problems first! You need to heal and get better before you push yourself into a relationship again!” Sapnap yells, hands tangled in thick dark locks as he paces, Dream trembling unnoticed as he hesitantly wraps his arms around his torso._

_Because Dream is unlovable. He knows that, and it was selfish to want that love when he can barely find it in himself to love who he is now._

He finds himself on autopilot, walking to his bathroom where clattered products lay, from the night Sapnap walked out to when George had called, agreeing with the younger man.

Subconsciously, he clutches the medication bottle. Antidepressants he got long ago at a therapy session he hadn’t been to in months. Unaware of how much he had grabbed, he chucks them into his mouth, swallowing with a handful cupped of water.

He ignores the haze that settled over his mind, gripping a razor he had hidden in fear of Sapnap’s panic and discovery of his habits.

_Because Dream was deemed a scapegoat for the world, because he was hated and loved so much by so many people it was hard to tell if he liked himself some days._

The wish for serendipity for once, will never get a chance to come into fruition, sanguine blood drips onto the pale tiles like the idyllic painting he delusions himself with in life.

The buzzing in his brain is dialed up to evermore, the sick, sick Euphoria and Serenity that washes over him as he realizes that it is his vitality dripping and flowing down to the ground, the darkness and the light welcoming him like a warm hug he so desperately yearns for.

But he panics, because he does not want to leave everyone behind on this hellish existence that is so blessed and so beautiful as much as it is cursed and unsightly, because he needs to meet them all once before he decides to leave, needs to be held once by George and held again by Sapnap, wants to greet Bad and learn from the older man who had dealt with him since he was young.

He wants to tease and praise Purpled, wants to let Tubbo know he is as important to him as a little brother, wants to ruffle Tommy’s hair and joke around with the British teen who had understood better than almost anyone the pressure the SMP crashes against brittle bones built of defenses long used. 

He yearns to talk with Techno more, beyond the rivalry and dig deeper into the way they understand each other so well without even knowing it, he yearns to comfort Wilbur and learn how to sing better for his fans and to meet the man, yearns to know more about Punz, Sam, and Alyssa who had always been there, the 4 of them knowing each other beyond what others comprehended sometimes.

He wonders if Puffy’s hugs would soothe the maternal ache and loss he felt when his mother showed displeasement in his choices, wants to be called duckling childishly because he can and she wouldn’t judge him for that, wonders if he helped Niki enough and wanting to know the German woman more, who had grown with the SMP like he wanted everyone to.

MCC, the SMP, MunchyMC, everyone who built him up.

Drista, his sister who accepted his choices right away with a gentle tease.

He can’t help but feel pathetic and over-dramatic, messaging into the discord with all his friends.

He loves them, so they deserve a goodbye.

Internally he hopes they forgive his selfishness, just this once.

* * *

_Dream had always been prepared for most things in life, whether it be a certain controversy or a simple thing like a conversation foresighted._

_It wasn’t a surprise to him when he already had a text thought out, an apology for weakness and his fall. The nadir of his joviality._

‘I’m sorry’

_The simplest asking of forgiveness that can lead to a gateway of **so much more** than people are expecting sometimes. ___

‘I never really expected it would come to this, but I guess seeing as I had a whole text planned out, some part of me knew it was an inevitability, a consequence and an event unavoidable.’ 

_Because it was, wasn’t it? The world was effortlessly cruel in what it throws at its citizens, the populations of people who can’t stop hurting the earth, and in turn hurting each other to the point of taking one's own life, and soiling the dirt beneath them with more copper blood._

_The Earth once smelled of enchanting petrichor, soft gossamer threads of beautiful promises reflecting like delicate rainbows across full and lush lands, ever giving, generosity unbound._

_But Generosity is sympathy and sacrifice, and one day they will all be bled of all their care like the ichor from gods of myth and imagery._

_Because all the Gods and Deities on pedestals will one day fall, whether by in truth of their existence, the pressure and unending pain of the world even they are touched by, or by their own greed._

‘I don’t have much to say — well, since I don’t have much time, but I’d like to thank you for all the love you have given me over the time we have known each other no matter if it wavered or if I knew you for a short while only’ 

_So here he is, a man put on a pedestal he should not have been, expected so much for and was told to, **’be stronger than you are’** and he failed to do so for the satisfaction of the world._

_He may be a coward, but he is tired of fighting for something he doesn’t want anymore._

_His life._

‘It is cowardly to do this, I know but maybe, maybe I can be more than what people wanted me to be once, because as much as people deny this, I was put in a place of expectancy and where someone always thought they knew something about me, that I didn’t. 

'If it wasn’t obvious by now. I’m taking my own life, I just… want you to know none of this is any of your faults and I love you for forever <3 :)’ 

_He was sure, as his vision became unseeable, and his legs sunk to the ground, that the message was probably misspelt and messy in his blood loss, but he hoped he got the point across._

* * *

The Message doesn't deliver, cut short from it being sent. 15 people are left in the dark of the circumstances of their friends condition. 

I wonder... if it is better this way, or not.

_._

_._

_._

_Do I wanna die tonight (Should I consider making it out alive?)_


	2. Niki's Interlude - Knowing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes our lovely Nihachu <3
> 
> I reiterated a bunch here, since Niki isn't _as_ close to Dream as everyone else I'm writing, but I can see her being emotionally smart :D
> 
> * * *
> 
> Thank you so much for all the love and support even though I've only posted ━ 1━ now 2 chapters, and I hope you'll continue watching out for updates :D

It is during a Stream, possibly the worst time to receive the news, when Niki (and Puffy) find out.

Niki hums, laughing along to a Reddit post Puffy and she had been looking at, the Stream had been going well so far, but she couldn’t help but feel a sense of foreboding, a warning to her heart that something might happen, but she ignored it in favor of keeping cool in front of the fans.

But there is a discord ping, nothing unusual so she checks it, as does Puffy since usually the whole Smp doesn’t get pinged-

Niki feels bile rise in her throat burning like sharp acid and the blood you would get from getting a punch in your face, running down into your mouth after beating up a homophobic bully.

Sapnap had pinged the entire SMP, well, of the adults, probably wanting to spare the teenagers an easier time finding out what exactly happened to—

_‘Hi uht his mesgaegs is gonna be prety messy but Drems in a coma rihgt nwo ill let you know if i find anythign else out’_

—Dream, who had been hospitalized, and the message was messy and probably made while he was rushing somewhere, but the idea was clear enough.

With shaking hands, ignoring the confused worry of her fans and the fading sob from Puffy, she collapses.

Dream was in a Coma, and from what Sapnap says, they don’t have hope for his survival, as meager a chance, Niki hoped Dream survived. 

.  
.  
.

‘… What happened to cause this,’ She tries to focus on something, _anything_ , as she scrolls through the Discord, noticing Wilbur attempting to type something, but the chat falling silent and flat, not saying a word.

Because Dream brought so many of them closer together, and she had met so many amazing people through the SMP which Dream poured his heart and soul into, playing the villain and taking the brunt of the effects that he thought they couldn’t see.

Thought that _Niki_ couldn’t see the way his mental health slowly dwindled over time, caught the way his voice choked over the lines when he would manipulate Tommy during the exile arc, or whenever he would do something that would get him hated more by the community, then he already was.

She tucked herself in the cozy feelings of the gifts of plushies that surrounded her bed, curling up as she scrolled desperately, on Twitter, Youtube, Discord, or _something_ , that would let her know more than the fact Dream was in a coma.

~~_The chance of the Floridan never waking up again taunted her, but she did her best to ignore it._ ~~

Niki remembers getting invited to the SMP at Wilbur’s request — she had been shocked that Dream had agreed, even welcoming her openly and greeting her with a Minecraft book saying something so simple as ‘hi’ but managing to lift her nervous mood immensely. 

She wonders how Puffy is reacting — the two had developed a strange, almost parental bond from Puffy to Dream, even calling the younger man her Duckling outside of the role-play and script.

It’s useless now, to stop her mind from racing with all the possibilities of how this happened, she couldn’t be sure…

But it wouldn’t be a surprise to her if it was self-inflicted, and she was _mad_ , mad at herself for not acting when she noticed, mad at herself for letting Dream go off, alone, after a role-play even when he sounded completely and utterly _exhausted_ —

—Mad at Dream for allowing himself to resort to this...

… Niki recalls when Sapnap had come onto the discord out of nowhere, ranting about Dream’s stupidity and lack of self-care, and they so casually brushed off what Sapnap mentioned Dream was suffering with right now, _completely alone because they had left him-_

-containing the bitterness that bubbled up inside her when she remembered how Sapnap and George completely brushed off Dream’s apologies, remembers Dream coming to _her_ for help because everyone else was disappointed when he allowed himself a moment of weakness that broke his support down and left him stranded—

— And everything is connecting.

* * *

_Niki feels an ache in her chest as sad laughter bubbles out over the mics, just her and Dream talking._

_“A-and I don’t know what to_ do _because I completely let myself go, let myself be anything but what they wanted and thought me to be! And they left me, just like I thought they would-” Shuddering sobs make her heart crack even more rip their way from his mouth._

_She felt helpless and hopeless as the other broke down, Niki wished Puffy was here to comfort Dream, she had always done so after overwhelming recordings to the other._

_Though she did the best she could, rambling about anything and everything, comforting Dream without directly comforting because someone else should be here comforting the man, it was the people he found comfort in fault who was responsible for this, for Dream here sobbing out questions and wondering why he still wasn’t enough._

* * *

Niki sighed, rubbing irritatingly wet eyes, getting lost in the time and hours as she waited, and waited, for any sign of more news, texting Puffy and Wilbur, who she knew would take this hard, she hesitated, fingers hovering over George and Sapnaps names, before scrolling on.

As cruel as it seemed to not even offer comfort, and she was sure others would not extend a hand out to the two either, they needed to understand the severity of their actions.

~~_Because now she could not deny the facts that add up, the way Dream had been comatose, the reason all too obvious._ ~~

.  
.  
.

It is a little while before Niki gets any more information, heart freezing over, anger and sadness, sorrow and regret burning like a wildfire in her body when she finds out, gets confirmation.

She was right.

**— Be Patient and strong;  
Someday this pain  
Will be useful to you**  
**— Ouid**

_Niki hopes Dream survives, because he’s so so so important to everyone, inside and outside the bundle of friends he holds dear because suffering shouldn’t be the last thing Dream feels, experiences before he dies._

_Unbeknownst to the shocked, yet almost entirely unsurprised German Woman curled in her bed, a Ghostly presence settles over her room, chills running down her body slowly fading into sleep, perhaps a premonition? Who knows.  
._

_._

_._

_Do I wanna die tonight (Should I consider making it out alive?)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can guess.... PUFFY IS NEXT :D
> 
> Please join the discord in the notes below I'd really appreciate it, all the admins and mods here are really supportive and pogchamp and we do competitions, and it's just generally a wonderful community to be in :D
> 
> I'll also be announcing my own server in that one, along with fanfic ideas and updates so~ better get to it :D


	3. Puffy's Interlude - Caring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAA hello :D 
> 
> Back for the third chapter, I see?
> 
> Well, I am creating a personal server, just for my ao3 accounts and fanfics, for pings on updates, new series, and general chatter.
> 
> I hope you enjoy :D

The world is cruel, it is a common fact you learn as you grow up, you make connections, they sever, you love and you lose over and over again until you get smart with loving.

That, or you fail to stop yourself from giving everything you are, and then there is nothing left of you to give.

That is how Puffy feels.

She wonders if it is how Dream feels, or if it is an accident, this mishap.

Something tells her it is anything but unexpected to the comatose man.

She quickly ends the Stream, the pure _shock_ , somewhere in her mind she distantly questions if she should have left Niki alone, but that is not something she has the capacity to deal with right now.

But she is 27, she’s an adult and she needs to process her emotions before they drown her, like when she was younger and struggling with her career and love life before settling.

Settling.

Dream was like family to her, practically her son now — even outside the SMP she had strange care for him. Ever since she first called him her Duckling outside the script, the nickname had stuck.

They had been friends longer than that obviously, that moment just gave their relationship a distinct _feeling_ to it that they hadn’t been able to label or describe.

And now it might all be gone.

But she is strong, so she chokes down the sob and searches for more answers, scrolling through old messages, looking on Twitter Timelines, having even emailed Dream’s mom from that one time she got it from the Younger Adult.

She wants to know what happened to her duckling.

His slow decline once his role as a villain in the SMP came about, the pain and exhaustion littering his voice was all too real to fake…

A Car Accident? Maybe? 

~~Everything inside her whispers that it couldn’t be, despite Dream’s chaotic nature, outside of that he was always careful to correct mistakes and have plans, she had gotten the closest look into the darker parts of his mind, and knew more than that he would not be so careless unless purposeful~~

She desperately hoped that was it, but at the same time, she didn’t because her duckling didn’t _deserve_ this, didn’t deserve ANYTHING that the world threw at him, punch after punch of controversies and doxxing and canceling, everything that could happen to someone who put themself on the line, risking financial stability, familial support, and trust…

Dream was like Puffy’s son. And there is very little a mother wouldn’t do for her child, Puffy believes herself no exception.

So she steels herself-

* * *

_She remembers times when Dream came after roleplay. Seeking out comfort, since sometimes things felt a little too real for the villain of the SMP, and he was a person outside the mask he presented to the public._

_It was so easy to forget Dream was a person behind the screen too._

_So she was obviously shocked when instead of the usual icon that was presented when voice calling on discord, it was someone, a man, with dirty blonde hair fairly long for his respective gender and wavy, curling around his face marred with freckles and a pair of sharp green eyes, dulled from the eyebags that he had._

_“... Duckling?” she whispered, concerned when Dream’s- or supposedly Dream’s- eyes water, forcing them to shut obviously as a soft sob leaves his mouth, “I-I’m sorry I didn’t know who else to call since I usually bug Sapnap or George b-but they-”_

_Puffy knew. Everyone in the SMP knew._

_“Oh, it’s alright Duckling, I can’t help much from here… but I’m sure Sapnap or George didn’t mean the things they said to you, and they do care about you, and want you to get better but… seeing you sad overwhelmed them.”_

_**Thinking about it now, she wishes she could go back and say something otherwise because she couldn’t say enough to help back then.** _

_A sad smile, grateful and soft tinged with sadness let her know, that Dream knew that._

_It was just hard to believe._

* * *

-and clicks onto a website, pulling up a ticket.

A Plane ticket to Florida.

She had taken a role in Dream’s life she accepted easily, and for her to amend for anything, something, just in case, she would have to do it this way.

She would be seeing her Duckling.

* * *

Puffy steps out of the plane, walking down the hallway to the gate area to pick up her luggage, adjusting herself because her arrival was unannounced for now.

First, she would have to get a rental car preferably, and a place to stay for a night or so until she is able to see more about Dream’s condition and what caused this.

Second? Well, it was due time to see him, wasn’t it?

It wasn’t long before she got an update from Sapnap, who had also apparently come back to Florida.

_‘A little too late isn’t it?’_

The thought was bitter in a way Puffy wished it wasn't, but she felt somewhat justified in her frustration.

At everyone who didn't bother. and at herself.

* * *

_Puffy wanted to hug the younger adult, as she heard more about what had happened, “Dream…” she said softly as he quieted down, “If they expect you to get better, so everything is easier for them, no complications to deal with, then do they really deserve your heart?”_

_Green eyes fly open in shock._

_“Your heart is…_ amazingly _huge and you are such a kind person for the pain you have been dealt, even if you say it is nothing, you have been hurt, and the fact you are so accepting and open is amazing, and now that you’ve seen how hurting yourself hurts other people, you’ll just continue to grow,”_

_She doesn’t notice the wince that covers Dream’s face for a moment before he smooths it out._

_“We all love you Dream, no matter what happens. Please remember that we are all here for you when you need it.”_

… sitting at his bedside, glaring venomously at the Woman who shifts nervously at the door, and then switching her Glare to the other person on the other side of the bed, who leans on a shorter person who had fallen asleep… she realizes….

_Were we ever there, when he actually needed us to be?_

.

.

.

_Do I wanna die tonight (Should I consider making it out alive?)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now we are getting into the personal and longer connections, some will reiterate points and feelings, but that's common.
> 
> I hope everyone is liking the series so far :D
> 
> I am making a new fanfic series I'll be updating alongside this one called, 'A Realization of Two Gods' and I'm pretty hyped for it :')


	4. Alyssa's Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ao3 is bullying me with it's formatting.
> 
> _anyways_
> 
> YES IT IS THE FOURTH CHAPTER LETS GO JUST 34 TO GO LMAO
> 
> * * *
> 
> I want to thank everyone once again for following this series, and Punz and Sam's chapters will be out next week, love you all :D
> 
> Join my discord :D
> 
> https://discord.gg/qPGVBjswgU

Before she receives the news, Alyssa was just in Discord, laughing in the MunchyMC moderation chat alongside Sam and Punz, ironically reminiscing of the times in High School, back when the group was the Dream Team, Dream, George, and Sapnap, alongside herself, Sam, Punz and Bad in the SMP. Ponk had come later, getting to know the group through meeting George on accident.

  
  


That is how long they had known each other, watched each other grow out of the awkward Teenagers into the people they were now.

  
  


It has always been like that, and it will  _ always _ be that way. They were sure of it, but—

  
  


Things change so easily, and it’s so,  _ so  _ easy to forget that and to live in the bubble they have surrounded themselves with, tainted by nihilism and skepticism or bliss and happiness.

  
  


But that bubble, no matter how strong, is always burst— 

  
  


They get a DM from Bad, and usually, that’s normal when they are in the moderation channels — but now the content of the text is messed up:  _ Dream was in a coma. _

  
  


_ Dream was comatose. _

  
  


_ They didn’t know if he would make it. _

  
  


_ They didn’t know how Dream had gotten injured, or if he was even injured at all. _

  
  


“... Lyss?” Sam says in the quiet, the familiar Discord sound of someone leaving the call alerting her to her other friends’ distress she had ignored in favor of addressing her own.

  
  


She had always been the most attentive to everyone's emotions, the usual mediator unafraid to step down. Alyssa had been the first to meet Dream, and she had been the first he trusted with his crush on Sapnap and George.

  
  


She was always the most mature and level-headed, making sure things ran smoothly — and even if her protectiveness ran hot sometimes, she knew, nobody should be alone.

  
  


So she did what she had to do, as always. “Sam… message Ponk and see if he’s doing okay, Skeppy will have Bad, Sapnap is—”  _ she hated how her voice broke, the reminder how Dream’s longest time friend left him alone in pieces _ — “S-Sapnap is with Karl and Quackity, and George is with his family.”

  
“Alyssa, how about you call Punz, since he left pretty quickly I’m sure he’ll need someone there,” Sam urges her softly. Both her and Dre — she cuts herself off,  _ not going down that road right now  _ — had always been the most self-sacrificial when it came to emotions, wearing their hearts on their sleeves to comfort others and helping them before themselves.

  
  


_ Alyssa wonders if she will run herself into the ground. Maybe that's why Dream is laid up, probably pale, silent, and unmoving in a way he should never be. _

  
  


“Okay,” she says, and the truth in her voice makes the other relax noticeably. He murmurs a caring goodbye into the mic, and the familiar beep sounds.

  
  


_ But she sits there for a moment. _

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


_ “Lyss!”  _

_ She hears a familiar voice, even brighter in person, but a more mellow softness to it he rarely showed anyone. _

  
  


_ Turning around she met warm Green eyes, a freckled young face  _ — they were both 18 at the time —  _ a shining smile, lean and lithe arms out to welcome her— _

  
  


_ She hugged the other close, and the hug felt like they were real Family. Alyssa briefly stood on her toes to peer at the disapproving figure behind Dream, curious stare turning into a glare as she spotted his Mom. _

  
  


_ Dream’s hugs were good, she decided, smiling happily as the warm breeze caressed her skin, the pure elation of meeting one of her best friends — the fact they were so close added to the rush — was thrumming under her skin like adrenaline. _

  
  


_ The World was Bright. _

* * *

Wiping away her tears, she pulls back her hair messily, trying to get in order to get ready to call Punz, who would be distraught like her.

  
  


She notices the green dot, signifying online activity for both Sapnap and George.

She scrolls past their usernames, pressing on Punz, quickly putting the phone closer to be able to hear. To be able to comfort and to assist, like she always does.

* * *

_ Sometimes love and friendship was so long-lasting, complex and simple that there weren’t enough ways to describe a feeling of its loss. _

  
  


_ Even if the loss was only potential, the mere heartbreak could be taken and formed into different outlets, self-destruction, pity, hatred, sadness, anguish, anger. _

  
  


_ Because grief was so much more complex than the few steps printed on a magazine written a year ago depicted it as, and when it happened, they stumbled into the deep end, drowning under the weight of the world, scrambling for something to hold onto, some purchase to ensure their head stays above water. _

  
  


_ In grief, people hurt each other. It was a fact, and maybe the apologies could help begin the mending  _ —  _ but wounds were still left raw and infected after the buildup. _

  
  


_ As the world looked down upon the sleeping man, burdened by the world he lived in and the world he chose to live in through coding and fandom and wondered if this was the result of grief, a buildup of accidents over time to create a catastrophe more affecting then one would first think. _

  
  


_ Grief was one way to describe the hurt impending on these three Women, built up and Strong because of the help someone who fell from grace gave, in turn helping others and each other because grief was always a bit lighter when there was someone to turn to _ —

* * *

_ “Punz,”  _ Alyssa whispers softly—

  
  


and she wonders—

  
  


wonders if—

  
  


_ Maybe there was no one for Dream to turn to, but that thought Is painful and she wants to shy away from it, to avert her eyes and pretend it doesn’t exist.  _

_ But ignorance is temporary bliss from reality. She doesn’t want to hide her eyes, bury her mind in comforting lies and blur the harsh, cutting truth because she knows— _

  
  


_ —and she listens to the man over the phone because right now, it is the only thing to alleviate the pain and grief in her heart without tugging a blanket of ignorance over her eyes like an addiction, pretending they are still the children from  _ _ yesterday  _ _ forever ago. _

  
  


She talks him through it, through the feelings she knows both him and George do not show to the group as well as they should have.

  
  


She looks back at George’s username, looks at the unblinking green dot that has shifted to a red circle with a line through it — Do Not Disturb — and hopes that maybe, someone is there to help carry his Grief too.

.

.

.

_ Do I wanna die tonight (Should I consider making it out alive?) _


	5. I'm sorry

Hihi, uh, I guess I came to apologize, about my inability to complete this fanfic?...

It's not something I was ready for, projecting my feelings through a cc so seriously, and writing about someone like this, put expectations for updates.

Im probably gonna start a smaller fanfic with fewer chapters, and less updates for my own comfort, or maybe restarting my Oneshot book Opari (I'm open to suggestions on that front,,,) but uh, yeah, thanks for understanding :D

**Author's Note:**

> Yes my first big fanfic! Realistically there could be anywhere from 38K to 90K when I am complete with this, and I will be posting twice a week (twice within 7 days).
> 
> I'd just like to say thank you to my beta reader and lovely dear friend, [Dre](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dre_amer/pseuds/dre_amer) for beta reading for me :D
> 
> Thank you soo much for checking this story out and I hope you'll consider checking out my other stories! :D
> 
> Join this discord: 
> 
> Ghost Dre/Dream Angst Discord: https://discord.gg/qZnaNgADb5  
>  _\- Really awesome writers in here and everyones super friendly! Plus I'm a mod there too :D_


End file.
